Disillusionment

I entered the adult world with wide-eyed idealism of the growth that was ahead of me. I was going to make a name for myself. I was going to leave a piece of me in everything that I do. I was going to change the world.

I knew it was never going to be easy, but I never knew the reason would be… people. I have begun to come to terms with supporting my family while saving up for my dreams, but I find it harder to come to terms with the fact that people are actually out there bringing me down, when I’m only doing my best and not stepping on other people’s shoes.

My whole life has been devoted to building a lifeline out of ambitions. When they drown me with self-doubt, I wade out with the force of personal history fueling my legs. I have been through so much, and compared with the stab of poverty, bullies hiding behind professionalism and bureaucracy are only pinches. When they push me towards failure, I cling to the knowledge that I am now the person I wanted to be in my dark days of nothingness. They can breathe insults down my throat, but deep inside I will always know that, at least, my young self is proud of me.

If my life was an underfunded movie, the title would probably be Disillusionment—but maybe with a better ending.

You see, disillusionment is not just a feeling—it is a process. And in the days that I feel so excluded, I think about disillusionment as my birthing pains. Just a little more, and I will give life to my dreams; endure a little more, I suffer for my future.

#life #essays